The Power of 'No' - Unlocking a 'Yes' in Negotiation

The Power of ‘No’  

We are always trying to get people to say ‘yes’ or to agree to something. From relatively small day-to-day interactions with our friends and family, to complex and challenging scenarios at work, the focus is often on talking people into or agreeing to something. 

But what if you actively tried to get them to say ‘no’. 

It seems counterintuitive, but this was the focus of a recent CEDR Webinar ‘Taken Hostage – A CEDR Christmas Movie’. 

Where the Learning Came From 

In the webinar, Philip Williams, CEDR negotiation trainer and former hostage and crisis negotiator used an example from his previous world to illustrate how a ‘no’ can ultimately lead to a ‘yes’. 

Please note this example references suicide and domestic violence which may be challenging for some people. 

When working for New Scotland Yard, he was called to this incident (names have been changed). 

A woman has run out of her house in a panic and police have been called along with hostage and crisis negotiators. 

Her husband is in the house with their 3-month-old daughter, holding a meat cleaver to her throat. 

His name is Dexter, he suffers from ‘bi-polar disorder’ which when triggered, causes extreme depression and suicidal thoughts. 

Their daughters' name is Sophie. 

It is hard to imagine a more intense and challenging scenario.  

After hours and hours of talking to Dexter they learned he had received some incredibly bad news that day which had triggered his acute medical condition, leaving him feeling the world was a terrible place and that it was his duty to protect Sophie from these horrors and that he should take his own life and hers. 

What Was Learned? 

Philip tried and tried to talk him out of it but got nowhere. In the end, he called a colleague, Dr Adrian West one of the UK’s best forensic psychologists, who suggested he try this phrase: 

“Dexter, when you woke up this morning, did you ever think you would be in a situation like this, talking to me.? You can stop this.” 

After a short pause the answer came. 

“No.” 

From that point on, the whole dynamic of the situation changed. From this a greater understand of the power of ‘no’ was developed, alongside the importance of the ‘3am Rule’. 

Understanding ‘No’ 

There are 5 reasons why ‘no’ can be a powerful response to work towards in a negotiation whether in the situation with Dexter or a commercial setting. 

1. What They Don’t Want 

Reframe a ‘no’ both to them, and in your own mind, as merely eliminating what they don’t want. This can then serve as a gateway to understander deeper needs, helping you move closer to what is important to them. 

Use it as an opportunity to take the conversation further as opposed to what we all too often do which is see it as the end. 

2. Reaffirmation of Autonomy  

When you are pushing or seeking a ‘yes’, the psychological implication is to remove an element of choice from the other. 

However, it is important to remember, choice must rest with the other person if you are to reach agreement and a sustainable, lasting one. 

Choice gives us a sense of control and autonomy. Therefore, the ability to say ‘no’ to something is empowering and increases buy-in to the conversation or negotiation. 

3. 'No’ Offers Safety 

In any negotiation, it is important people feel safe, secure and in control.  

‘No’ gives space because nothing changes - the status quo remains. 

4. Triggering Curiosity 

When people feel safe and in control, it gives them the space and freedom to start to think about what they do want. What they need. What is important to them. 

In the case of Dexter, ‘no’ broke the sense that the situation was spiralling out of control, and he was powerless. 

5. How to Receive a ‘No’ 

How we respond to a ‘no’ will influence how the other person reacts. Be prepared to be non-judgemental and not affronted or frustrated.  

The more you can receive a ‘no’ with grace, patience and empathy the more you will be able to keep the conversation going and provide a springboard to explore what has been missed so far. 

Earn the right to get to a ‘yes’, by asking for a ‘no’. 

The 3am Rule 

It is 3am, in the pouring rain and I am on top of a roof trying to save a life. In those moments, can I remember and apply the techniques I have been taught, and, do they work?” – Philip Williams 

The power of ‘no’, and indeed any negotiation technique is only as effective as your ability to apply it, in the moment, with confidence and sometimes under intense pressure. 

Using the example of the situation above it is important to reflect on not just individual techniques, but how we learn and embed them. 

In the world of hostage and crisis negotiation, outcomes were achieved that at first seemed impossible.  

How to Achieve the Impossible 

The same approach to embedding skills and confidence in hostage and crisis negotiators is used by CEDR in all of its training and development programmes.  

It is built on 3 core fundamentals. 

1. Intense, Practical and Uncomfortable 

The bedrock of CEDR’s training is about getting people to apply, in sometimes stressful, simulated scenarios, the skills they have been taught. 

While accompanied with live training and support, it is these ‘sticky’ and uncomfortable moments that help people to really understand what they are doing and why it works. It also mimics what they will face in their day-to-day life, so when in that situation, like with the ‘3am Rule’ they have confidence in what they are doing. 

Theory alone is not enough. 

2. Practitioner Led 

Like when Philip was learning to be a hostage and crisis negotiator, he was learning from people who had done it and had practical, hands-on experience. 

At CEDR, we only work with trainers, facilitators and coaches who themselves practice the skills they teach. Whether this is from the world of hostage negotiation or other disciplines such as commercial mediation, international peacemaking, industrial relations or international business. 

3. Stress Tested Skills and Processes 

Linking to practitioners, you need to have confidence that skills and processes you are developing have been tested in different environments and that they work. 

We embed transferable career skills – skills for life. 

About Philip Williams

Philip is a former hostage and crisis negotiator with the Metropolitan Police, New Scotland Yard and the UK government. He has been deployed internationally including in Yemen, Iraq, Sierra Leone, Colombia , Philippines, Chechnya, Bangladesh, India and China among others. 

He now works with CEDR, using his expertise and experience to help clients develop and embed the skills and processes to achieve outcomes, as he would put it, “they initially thought were impossible”.  

His recent projects include working with Vodafone, Sopra Steria and Siemens.